Subject: AAA BATTERIES
This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find
yourself laughing out loud.... I laughed so hard I was crying!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this...
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects
of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.
'WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better
of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing
to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and
taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make
your assailant flop on the ground like a ! fish ou t of water. Any
burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side
as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one- second burst
from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give
myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest
position and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid,
do
it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be
considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they
get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
offering
a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me! with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
