Dr. Leopold Vertaosky of the Canadian Institute of Medicine recently made discoveries indirectly linked to the causes of prostate cancer. For the past 10 years, Vertaowsky and five other colleagues studied hair styles and their links to cancer in the prostate.
The results are overwhelming. Mullets cause cancer. Known in Great Britain as "business in the front, party in the back," the mullet not only causes cancer, studies show, but they have also been linked to numerous incidents of road rage and parking-lot scuffles.
What is it about the mullet that encourages this deadly disease and these violent outbreaks? Valentine Stranskowski, a historian working contiguously with Vertaosky, says evidence can be traced back to the stone ages, when it is believed that cave men and even women wore their hair in mullets.
"It was a matter of survival," Stranskowski said. "To cut the hair away from the neck would mean cold winters would be even colder, and to leave long hair in the front would restrict vision in hunting situations as well as in gathering."
Vertaowsky says this, compounded with his experiments on control groups, men with short hair and men with long hair, and on variable groups, men with mullets, proves the link of the mullet with prostate cancer and extreme violence.
"The results of the experiments are overwhelming," Vertaowsky said. "The DNA of those with mullets is almost identical, while mullet DNA is completely different from the DNA of those without mullets." According to Vertaowsky, the mullet man's DNA is naturally more susceptible to the gene mutations that cause prostate cancer.
Besides DNA similarities, there are also hormonal congruities among those with mullets. "Testosterone levels are sky-high in men with mullets. So, add testosterone to a particular DNA-type group, and you can expect at least 78 percent of men with mullets will develop prostate cancer."
Mullet donners can also expect their DNA and their testosterone to keep them in trucks, fists ready and boots, steel-toed or cowboy, to help them out in parking-lot scuffles and road-rage run-ins.